Jokes that make me laugh out loud when I write them almost always bomb. I have no idea why. Votes: 3
Chris HardwickA serious and good philosophical work could be written consisting entirely of jokes. Votes: 2
Ludwig WittgensteinI love life in spite of all that mars it. I love friendship, jokes and laughter. Votes: 2
Tahar Ben JellounForgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee, and I'll forgive Thy great big joke on me. Votes: 2
Robert FrostOnly one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at. Votes: 2
Steven WrightThere's a certain line between jokes and music and poetry that's a bit blurred in my mind. Votes: 2
Bo BurnhamI grew up in an environment of jokes and sarcasm and puns. I talk that way, so I write that way. Votes: 2
Allan SloanThe aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being, but to remind him that he is already degraded. Votes: 2
George OrwellI secrete jokes like the pancreas secretes... whatever the pancreas secretes. Votes: 0
Marshall BrickmanSure, retarded jokes write themselves. But the spelling is always way off. Votes: 0
Anthony JeselnikTimes change. The farmer's daughter now tells jokes about the traveling salesman. Votes: 0
Carey WilliamsPlato was only a Bernard Shaw who unfortunately made his jokes in Greek. Votes: 0
Gilbert K. ChestertonThe mother-in-laws themselves weren't natural jokes but most comedians used to use that. Votes: 0
Allen ToussaintIf you keep making jokes like that, somebody is going to shoot you, father. Votes: 0
Mary Todd LincolnEven 'Lord of the Rings' had dwarf-tossing jokes in it. It's like, 'Really?' Votes: 0
Peter DinklageFor some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving. Votes: 0
Emo PhilipsBad jokes and gay marriage are destroying this country. But torture can save it. Votes: 0
Jon StewartThe best jokes are dangerous, and dangerous because they are in some way truthful. Votes: 0
Kurt VonnegutI just often find myself getting shrill, angry and the jokes get more incredulous. Votes: 0
David CrossSpecifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline. Votes: 0
Demetri MartinLife likes jokes; life is constantly making jokes, even at the most inopportune moments. Votes: 0
Elizabeth McCrackenWomen are often pushed into the idea that they write softer, more character-driven jokes. Votes: 0
Allison SilvermanI crack jokes and play games and that's really more my nature than being cold. Votes: 0
Bernhard Langera short cut to matrimonial unhappiness is not to have the same taste in jokes! Votes: 0
Margaret DelandFor jokes as well as justice come in with speech. - Aslan, The Magician's Nephew Votes: 0
C. S. LewisMy life is passed in making bad jokes and seeing them turn into true prophecies. Votes: 0
Gilbert K. ChestertonIn Hollywood, it's hard to be funny, because all the big jokes are in Washington. Votes: 0
Rich LittleI wanted to be funny. And I'm always acknowledged for my pranks and jokes nowadays. Votes: 0
Steve WozniakNever, never tell jokes about a man with easy access to weapons of mass destruction. Votes: 0
Peter CherninAnd there'd be no more jokes in Music-halls To mock the riddled corpses round Bapaume. Votes: 0
Siegfried SassoonFat jokes to me are always, always hilarious, as long as they're done towards yourself. Votes: 0
Zach GalifianakisIf you think it's easy to write jokes about fried calamari, you've probably never tried. Votes: 0
Scott AdamsYou can make jokes but [ George Clooney] is everything that anyone's ever said about him. Votes: 0
John KrasinskiI've included these little jokes and mysteries in my writing for the amusement of readers. Votes: 0
Armistead MaupinPlease use anger for something positive like hurting people that deserve it or writing jokes. Votes: 0
Dov DavidoffFamily jokes, though rightly cursed by strangers, are the bond that keeps most families alive. Votes: 0
Stella BensonWhat I say is stupid. Who takes a comedian seriously? I'm doing sophisticated knock-knock jokes. Votes: 0
Carlos MenciaWere it not for my little jokes, I could not bear the burdens of this office. Votes: 0
Abraham LincolnI'm not too keen on jokes that are one-liners. I want the situation to be funny. Votes: 0
Philippe FalardeauJohn was at his most relaxed with Ringo, who had him in stitches with his jokes. Votes: 0
Cynthia LennonIt got very tedious saying the same jokes in the same way with the same attitude. Votes: 0
Norm MacDonaldEven the people who do great jokes, [it's] always coming out of a very real place. Votes: 0
Brett GelmanOne thing House needs Wilson for is vanity. He needs someone to laugh at his jokes. Votes: 0
Hugh LaurieIn polite society one laughs at all the jokes, including the ones one has heard before. Votes: 0
Frank DaneHumor is an attitude, a survivor's way of looking at life. It's not about telling jokes. Votes: 0
Michael ShurtleffI'm the youngest of four, and I'm always the clown - making the jokes, wanting attention. Votes: 0
Rose ByrneIf you didn't believe in objective truth, arguments would be just toys, or games, or jokes. Votes: 0
Peter KreeftI don't consider myself a comedian because I don't really concern myself too much with jokes. Votes: 0
Paul RuddIt's much easier to make jokes about sensitive issues if there is some dissent, some conflict. Votes: 0
Mo RoccaI don't do too many jokes about current affairs, because almost every comedian always does that. Votes: 0
Bruce BruceI have five boys in the family, and it's constant competition, sport, humor, and practical jokes. Votes: 0
Mitt RomneyI don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.' Votes: 0
Steven WrightI'm not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them. Votes: 0
Daniel ToshI'm not even really a joke-teller. I can do ad-lib and banter, but I don't do jokes. Votes: 0
Bruce ForsythWorking at the magic shop really gave me a sense of comedy because it was all jokes. Votes: 0
Steve MartinI like to crack the jokes now and again, but it's only because I struggle with math. Votes: 0
Tina FeyI like my jokes to be built on a foundation of ideas, or at least smart observations. Votes: 0
George CarlinOne of my biggest problems with comedy was that I did not understand some of the jokes. Votes: 0
Desi ArnazLove: the sickest of Ironyâs sick jokes. The place where logic and order go to die. Votes: 0
Christopher MooreI make terrible jokes every time I go into a hospital. I think it's a defence mechanism. Votes: 0
Sanjeev BhaskarThere is not a racist bone in my dad's body. He doesn't even laugh at distasteful jokes. Votes: 0
Alan WilsonShall I crack any of those old jokes, master, At which the audience never fail to laugh? Votes: 0
AristophanesI'm not an artist. I tell inappropriate stories and jokes and I try to make people laugh. Votes: 0
Kathy GriffinI actually write some pretty tough jokes. I don't want to push the "soft" angle too much. Votes: 0
Allison SilvermanPenn & Teller stopped doing practical jokes, and the reason is we got much too good at it. Votes: 0
Penn JilletteIt's the teenage and university crowd, so we give them lots of sex jokes and gross humour. Votes: 0
Keenen Ivory WayansEveryone has a sense of humor. If you don't laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions Votes: 0
Criss JamiWater jokes about the obstacles on its way; wise man jokes about the obstacles on his way! Votes: 0
Mehmet Murat ildanEveryone has a sense of humor. If you don't laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions. Votes: 0
Criss JamiAll the great story lines are great practical jokes that people fall for over and over again. Votes: 0
Kurt VonnegutA good team needs three things: the right people, the right spirit, and a couple inside jokes. Votes: 0
VanillaCreamPie8888I love telling stories, telling jokes, making people laugh. Ive got no plans to stop doing it. Votes: 0
David Alan BascheI love telling stories, telling jokes, making people laugh. I've got no plans to stop doing it. Votes: 0
David Alan BascheIf you think something's funny, go with that. Most comedians pull jokes from a place of honesty. Votes: 0
Olivia MunnThere's no harm in talking to yourself, but try to avoid telling yourself jokes you've heard before. Votes: 0
Ashleigh BrilliantI better start doing stand up comedy in Spanish before every comedian in Mexico translates my jokes. Votes: 0
Felipe EsparzaI am the illegal alien of commentary. I will do the jokes that no one else will do. Votes: 0
Ann CoulterMy memoirs are full of humor, I had to change jokes because it was a little too dark. Votes: 0
Marina AbramovicI see myself as a huge dork that laughs at my own jokes and forgets to shower sometimes. Votes: 0
Lauren GardnerWhy has my motley diary no jokes? Because it is a soliloquy and every man is grave alone. Votes: 0
Ralph Waldo EmersonZac Efron is like a brother who's just goofy and crazy. He plays a lot of practical jokes. Votes: 0
Ashley TisdaleI'm a Macintosh nut. I got my PowerBook, so if I'm not writing jokes, I'm working on that. Votes: 0
Jeff DunhamI think things evolve into jokes. I don't generally write them down as jokes. I talk them out. Votes: 0
Marc MaronPeople appreciate it when you take some time to think about who will be listening to your jokes. Votes: 0
Seth MeyersI've always been terrible on regular sitcoms with lots of jokes. I don't know how to tell jokes. Votes: 0
Rainn WilsonYou can never have a thousand percent batting average on jokes - it's just never going to happen. Votes: 0
Paul FeigGolf is my real profession. Entertainment is just a sideline. I tell jokes to pay my greens fees. Votes: 0
Bob HopeI'm Irish, so I'm messing all the time. Which means, I'm having a laugh. I'm always making jokes. Votes: 0
Saoirse RonanLook, I know these Rick Perry jokes are a little mean, but tomorrow, he won't even remember them. Votes: 0
Jimmy FallonAll his leisure clothes were absurd - jokes, really - as though leisure itself had to be ridiculed. Votes: 0
Edmund WhiteMost practical jokes, I'll feel too bad for the other person so I'll stop just before the punchline. Votes: 0
Larry David[The people that worked on The Simpsons] just had good taste. They knew how to execute absurd jokes. Votes: 0
Eric AndreIt was one of God's jokes that such a dumb mind had been put in such an eloquent body. Votes: 0
Charlaine HarrisI realize how desperate it sounds for me, as a comedian, to ask you to laugh at my jokes. Votes: 0
John OliverIf I want to keep working as an actor, I'm going to become a comedian who does fart jokes. Votes: 0
Peter SarsgaardIt's really stupid to defend your own jokes. That is for other people to do if they choose to. Votes: 0
Sarah SilvermanI initially signed up for Twitter just to do jokes I wasn't going to do in my stand-up routine. Votes: 0
Jim GaffiganPeople write a lot of similar material. That's why I try to come up with the most absurd jokes. Votes: 0
Daniel ToshIf you want anything done well, do it yourself. This is why most people laugh at their own jokes. Votes: 0
Bob EdwardsI've never written jokes. I mean, I'll write things on a piece of paper and riff on them onstage. Votes: 0
David CrossI did see the Soul Train picture. That was interesting. I've heard all the jokes. I had it coming. Votes: 0
Mike TomlinI think I love jokes! The best jokes are equal to the best art, in my mind, and as rare. Votes: 0
Travis NicholsI don't really write jokes. I wait for stuff to happen in life, and then I tell it on stage. Votes: 0
Kathleen MadiganThe main jokes in this film are about big things, love and life and zombies - we all get that. Votes: 0
Simon PeggBilly (Martin) was a great one for jokes. He liked to play a joke more than anyone I ever knew. Votes: 0
Mickey MantleThere is a kind of happiness and wonder that makes you serious. It is too good to waste on jokes. Votes: 0
C. S. LewisMy greatest regret as a writer is that I've never been able to include as many jokes as I'd like. Votes: 0
Robert HarrisYou can make a movie that's more focused on the jokes, but Young Adult was not that kind of movie. Votes: 0
Kristen StewartWhen I was 14, I thought I was the coolest kid in school because I told everyone the jokes in FHM. Votes: 0
Megan FoxI can't tell a joke to save my soul. It's just not my thing, though I love to listen to jokes. Votes: 0
Carol BurnettI took my girl to dinner, and she laughed so hard at one of my jokes that she dropped her tray. Votes: 0
Jack BennyThe jokes that take my last name and equate them to a sex act ... is a really cruel thing to do. Votes: 0
Monica LewinskyI don't think my film style has changed. I'm doing the same kind of jokes I did when I was younger. Votes: 0
Woody AllenI'm always ready for TV. I don't have to edit my jokes - when you work clean, you can work anywhere. Votes: 0
Gabriel IglesiasI tell a lot of fart and poop jokes. I can't help it. I have no filter, and it just comes out. Votes: 0
Tyler PoseyAll the jokes in my films, the comedy, they're not me, I just try to hold a big mirror up to us. Votes: 0
Yahoo SeriousI'd like to start with the chimney jokes - I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house. Votes: 0
Tim VineAnything where I get to write a lot of jokes and have a lot of creative control - that's all I want. Votes: 0
Mallory OrtbergI did a club one night - the speakers were old as hell. My jokes were coming out in black and white. Votes: 0
J. B. SmooveThere is no such thing as too much fun. People need to know it is O.K. to tell jokes and be happy. Votes: 0
Drew CareyWhen I make a book, I make it for the child and not for the parent - no jokes in it for the parents! Votes: 0
Dick BrunaIf I'm getting on an airplane or anywhere, really, I have a lunch box and stuff. It's a running joke with my friends and family - everyone gives me lunch boxes for Christmas. Votes: 1 Nikki Reed
I DON'T have EX's! I have Y's. Like 'Y the hell did I date you?! Votes: 1 Kevin Hart
I love life in spite of all that mars it. I love friendship, jokes and laughter. Votes: 1 Tahar Ben Jelloun
Now,I'm no scientist,but I know what endorphins are. They're tiny little magical elves that swim through your blood stream and tell funny jokes to each other. When they reach your brain,you hear what they're saying and that boosts your health and happiness. "Knock Knock... Who's There?.. Little endorphin... Little endorphin who?... Little Endorphin Annie." And then the endorphins laugh and then you laugh. See? Its Science. Votes: 2 Ellen DeGeneres
We've got people looking at our seamy side and our sad side a lot of the time because that's easier. It's much more difficult to make a film about happiness with lots of jokes in it. Votes: 1 Emma Thompson
Yes, my mom does keep making references to marriage, like all mothers do, but it's only in a lighter mood... she just jokes. Votes: 1 Saina Nehwal
I always feel that most political jokes, if you're going to do them, you have to do them within the next five minutes, or else they're outdated. By the time you've got it to the point that it's strong, it would be 12 years old. Votes: 4 Gilbert Gottfried
I love practical jokes and humor. That there's frankly no joke that I don't think is funny. I love practical jokes, but I don't like being scared. Votes: 4 Mitt Romney