I can't take days off and play like I did last night. Maybe some people can, but I can't. Votes: 3
Jimmy ChamberlinLast night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. Votes: 3
Steven WrightThe average millionaire can't tell you who got thrown off the island last night. Votes: 2
Dave RamseyLast night my teacher taught me the lesson of Poverty: Having nothing and wanting nothing. Votes: 2
RumiMy luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker. Votes: 2
Woody AllenIt's nice to know you have support. Last night I got a marriage proposal. I just laughed. Votes: 2
Carrie UnderwoodLast night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone. Votes: 2
Tommy CooperI have to tell them that last night was a shameful train wreck filled with blind cuddly puppies. Votes: 2
Charlie SheenI fear the man who drinks water and so remembers this morning what the rest of us said last night Votes: 2
Benjamin FranklinLast night I learned how to be a lover of God. To live in this world and call nothing my own. Votes: 2
RumiLast night at Carnegie Hall, Jack Benny played Mendelssohn. Mendelssohn lost. Votes: 0
Harold C. SchonbergThere were two second division matches last night, both in the second division. Votes: 0
Dominic AllenAfter last night's debate, the reputation of Messieurs Lincoln and Douglas is secure Votes: 0
Edward R. MurrowI love that this morning's sunrise does not define itself by last night's sunset. Votes: 0
Steve MaraboliLast night's homer was Stargell's 399th career home run, leaving him one shy of 500. Votes: 0
Jerry ColemanLast night I woke up with someone squeezing my hand. It was my other hand. Votes: 0
William S. BurroughsLast night the secrets of the universe were revealed to me, and they had nipples. Votes: 0
Jarod KintzMy behavior last night was poor.Poor? Agatha coughed. You pushed me through a window! Votes: 0
Soman ChainaniLast night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves. Votes: 0
Johnny CarsonCamping in the backyard last night for Father's Day! Wrestling, stories, s'mores...it was awesome! Votes: 0
Drew BreesLast night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. Votes: 0
Steven WrightI had a dream about you last night... shortly after I woke up screaming in terror. Votes: 0
Amy SummersLast night I dreamt that somebody loved me.No hope, no harm; just another false alarm Votes: 0
MorrisseyTreat it like your last night. Even if you broke, spend tonight like your cash right. Votes: 0
Mac MillerJesus Christ came into my prison cell last night, and every stone flashed like a ruby. Votes: 0
Samuel RutherfordLast night I dreamt that somebody loved me. No hope, no harm; just another false alarm Votes: 0
Steven MorrisseySome praise at morning what they blame at night, but always think the last opinion right. Votes: 0
Alexander PopePeople don't buy a new detergent because the manufacturer told a joke on television last night. Votes: 0
David OgilvyI had a dream about you last night.. You pretended not to be a three hole punch. Votes: 0
Amy SummersBubba shot the jukebox last night, said it played a sad song and it made him cry. Votes: 0
Mark ChesnuttI had a dream about you last night.. you were trying to give coordinates to an apple Votes: 0
Nicole McKayFairest of stars, last in the train of night, If better thou belong not to the dawn. Votes: 0
John MiltonI'm here to say my legacy in The Octogon is over ... I re-signed last night with @WWE. Votes: 0
Brock LesnarOh yeah, alright, take it easy baby, make it last all night. She was an American Girl. Votes: 0
Tom PettyI suppose I will go on selling newspapers until at last will come the late night final. Votes: 0
Max AitkenI suppose I will go on selling newspapers until at last will come the late night final. Votes: 0
Max Aitken, Lord BeaverbrookHe got drunk last night, kicked Mama down the stairs. But I'm alright, so I don't care. Votes: 0
Randy NewmanI had a dream about you last night... You tried to propose with a digital ceramic heater. Votes: 0
Amy SummersLet no one despair, even though in the darkest night the last star of hope may disappear. Votes: 0
Friedrich SchillerLast night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world. Votes: 0
Steven WrightYou've got to continue to grow, or you're just like last night's cornbread - stale and dry. Votes: 0
Loretta LynnTelevision won't last because people will soon get tired of staring at a plywood box every night. Votes: 0
Darryl F. ZanuckI had a dream about you last night. We watched pornography together, but purely for the storyline. Votes: 0
Michael SummersMy wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg. Votes: 0
Rodney DangerfieldI fainted last night! Luckily I was going to bed at the time so I didn't get hurt. Votes: 0
Arj BarkerYou noticed from last night, we only did two from the 80s. And our set's two hours long. Votes: 0
Ann WilsonMy ex-boyfriend can round last night, which was weird because I didn't know he was in a coma. Votes: 0
Jo BrandA strong women is someone who is able to smile this morning like she wasn't crying last night. Votes: 0
Harriet MorganSome tulips last so long you could almost dust them off, and others you can't trust over night. Votes: 0
Constance SpryLast night I asked my husband, 'What's your favorite sexual position?' and he said, 'Next door.' Votes: 0
Joan RiversI pray thee let me and my fellow have a haire of the dog that bit us last night. Votes: 0
John HeywoodI had a dream about you last night... and in it you said "Chin up; it only gets harder. Votes: 0
Marshall RamsayI'm so fat and I'm so depressed; last night I tried to hang myself - but the rope broke. Votes: 0
Joan RiversI had a dream about you last night.. You kept screaming at Ted Danson to pour you a drink. Votes: 0
Amy SummersI had a dream about you last night.. You were in the amazon rain forest yipping like a dog. Votes: 0
Amy SummersI had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby. Votes: 0
Henny YoungmanI had a dream about you last night.. you were holding a pine cone and introducing him as Gerald. Votes: 0
Nicole McKayCongratulations to each and every one of you for the concert last night in New York and vice versa. Votes: 0
Eugene OrmandyI had a dream about you last night... you sat in a cardboard box and said you were a tree. Votes: 0
Nicole McKayI went out with a girl last night. She wasn't a Lana Turner. She was more of a stomach turner. Votes: 0
Henny YoungmanI had a dream about you last night... Well I say dream I mean nightmare... you were a Yankee fan. Votes: 0
Nicole McKayWas I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness... I thought I'd lost it. Votes: 0
W. C. FieldsWhat a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper four times - three while I was reading it. Votes: 0
Rodney DangerfieldA good husband is never the first to go to sleep at night or the last to awake in the morning. Votes: 0
Honore de Balzac