It takes a lot of things to prove you are smart, but only one thing to prove you are ignorant.
Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.
Don't ever slam a door, you might want to go back.
Unhappiness is not knowing what we want and killing ourselves to get it.
Poverty must have many satisfactions, else there would not be so many poor people.
A humorist is a person who feels bad, but who feels good about it.
Babies are such a nice way to start people.
There's one thing about baldness, it's neat.
The beggar is the only person in the universe not obliged to study appearance.
Be kind and considerate to others, depending somewhat upon who they are.
Be kind to dumb people.
Women give us solace, but if it were not for women we would never need solace.
Gentlemen prefer blondes, but take what they can get.
Golf may be a hussy, but I love her.
The brighter you are, the more you have to learn.
Moralizing and morals are two entirely different things and are always found in entirely different people
I had, out of my sixty teachers, a scant half dozen who couldn't have been supplanted by phonographs.
I wish I were either rich enough or poor enough to do a lot of things that are impossible in my present comfortable circumstances.
There is more sophistication and less sense in New York than anywhere else on the globe.
Interruptions are the spice of life.
[Reviewing a production of Uncle Tom's Cabin] The dogs were poorly supported by the cast.
It is a good thing that life is not as serious as it seems to a waiter.
There is nobody so irritating as somebody with less intelligence and more sense than we have.
Why resist temptation? There will always be more.
If I had my life to live over, I would perhaps have more actual troubles but I'd have fewer imaginary ones.