Funny is the world I live in. You're funny, I'm interested. You're not funny, I'm not interested. Votes: 8
I love being a dad. I just love it. Votes: 5
I like definitive things. Votes: 5
I'll tell you one thing, since I'm married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me. Votes: 0
Men want to make women happy. Votes: 0
The best revenge is living well. Votes: 0
If you've got a bloodstain on your T-shirt, maybe dirty laundry isn't your biggest problem. Votes: 0
Everybody lies about sex. People lie during sex. If it weren't for lies, there'd be no sex. Votes: 0
Forty is when you actually begin even deserving to be on stage telling people what you think. Votes: 0
Well, Howard Stern has been doing his impression of me for years. It doesn't really bother me. Votes: 0
I am speechless: I have no speech Votes: 0
Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death. Votes: 0
Success is the enemy of comedy. Votes: 0
Airline hostesses show you how to use a seatbelt in case you haven't been in a car since 1965. Votes: 0
I've compiled a book from the Internet. It's a book of quotations attributed to the wrong people. Votes: 0
Twitter is good. Why say a lot to a few people when you can say virtually nothing to everyone? Votes: 0
I am freaking out! I am freaking out Votes: 0
Sometimes I think more creativity is put into muffin recipes than into the rest of society combined. Votes: 0
Of course, everyone wants to be healthy. The amusing thing is no one's really sure how to do it. Votes: 0
Why would anybody want a friend? Votes: 0
It's hard to do nothing because you tend to do something and then you have to drop everything. Votes: 0
Sex, that's meaningless, I can understand that, but dinner; that's heavy. That's like an hour. Votes: 0
I don't wanna be a Pirate!!!! Votes: 0
Festivus for the Restivus! Votes: 0
Dating is pressure and tension. What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night? Votes: 0
I'm old, I'm rich and I'm tired. Votes: 0
I like any cereal. I like the idea of just eating and drinking with one hand without looking. Votes: 0
Well, sometimes we do actually have to get up early, but a man will always trade sleep for sex. Votes: 0